And this is how Brandie Posey became my hero…

brandieposey:

From the moment Colin Kane & Daniel Tosh met, there had been a spark between them. Like moth to flame, they bonded quickly over rape jokes & hair products. The pair had been inseparable, the only thing quelling talk of their forbidden bromance were the vapid, dead-eyed fame cravers on their arms…

witstream:

We know you like us, but do you “like”-like us? Are you willing to make it Facebook official? “Like” our Facebook page for more content and the chance to interact with your favorite humorists/introverts.

Let us dominate your internet experience. The safe word is whatever they use in Fifty Shades of Grey.

witstream:

Each Friday, we pick one Aristocrat we think you should follow. (Even though you should follow all of them.) Meet Sofiya Alexandra.

What was your first exposure to Twitter?
I guess when I noticed people’s Twitter jokes posting on Facebook. I was a hater then. I was like, UGH I JUST GOT…

Yes, please, more military helicopters flying over the neighborhood. Sooooo comforting.

Dogwood, just outside Lake Arrowhead

• If you were dissed, talk to HR first.
• You will be reimbursed 25 cents per mile for drive-bys.
• Remember to separate your red bandanas from your whites.
• Choose your primary care physician from among our pool of experts: Li’l Stabber, Doc Luv2Death, Double Dirt or Slow Mikey.
• Unless otherwise marked, bathtubs on the premises are to be used for bathing/showering. Torture bathtubs will be clearly labeled.
• Grievances should no longer be engraved in bullets. There is an anonymous complaint form available on our intranet.
• Presently, because this is primarily cash enterprise, the Lil’ Hill 13 does not offer direct deposit.
• All members are strongly encouraged to practice safe ass-tapping. Pamphlets available in break room.
• In keeping with a more local, family oriented image, members are encouraged to smile in group photographs (not just when you are standing over street execution victims).
• You may get only ONE (1) of the following tattoos: Eazy-E, Tupac or Tweety Bird holding a severed head.
• If you are not an accurate shot holding your gun sideways, do not hold your gun sideways.
• Have all new graffiti designs approved with Mitch in Graphics (ext 2453).
• Make sure a bitch is a ho before calling that bitch a ho. We have implemented a zero tolerance policy re: sexual harassment.
• Though we will always be about Jerome Robbins style dancing, that does not mean you cannot let loose, in moderation, your inner Bob Fosse or Busby Berkeley.

thesofiya:

One of the grossest feelings ever is when you realize you’re committing something you are fundamentally against. I’m of course talking about necrophilia.

But seriously, I’m talking about rewarding physical beauty. I don’t think it’s necessary to mention, but I’ll do it anyway - of course we all…

newyorker:

Blurb Your Enthusiasm

Dear Novelist,

So you’d be honored if I blurbed your book? Me too! I can hardly wait to dive right in. However, due to the overwhelming number of requests I receive, I have instituted a new, comprehensive pricing system. Before proceeding, please consult this chart for reference.

…

Your title contains the words “America,” “Dream,” or “Love,” or a version of the construction “Blah and Other Blah-blahs.” (+$150)

The first word of your two-word title is a gerund. (+$75)

The word after the gerund in your two-word title is a proper noun masquerading as a regular noun, i.e. “Losing Ground,” a novel about a man named Peter Ground. (+$250)

Your novel is a retelling of another novel from the perspective of a minor character, a piece of furniture, or a magical being who did not appear in the original. (+$275)

Your bio contains a list of wacky jobs you’ve held and/or states that you “divide your time” between two cities, countries, or continents. (+$300)

The front matter of your book contains a family tree and/or a map. (+$200)

Your book is dedicated to a dead writer you never met. (+$350)

- Want Adam Mansbach, author of Go the Fuck to Sleep, to write a blurb for your book? Here’s how much it will cost you: http://nyr.kr/Ij1SdM

we will buy your dreams.

herochan:

Win a Superhero Party Print!

One lucky winner will receive this awesome Superhero Party print from Illustrator Dean Beattie.

Simply reblog this post to enter (one entry per blog). We will randomly select one winner on Monday, February 27th, 2012. 

Nope